I remember that, during my younger years of depression, at times I could not do anything that pulled energy out of me. I could only do things that input some comforting energy into me.

This emptiness affected me on so many levels. Days were long marathons of ‘just getting through it’, looking forward to the night so I could sleep and have the solace, escape, oblivion of sleep for a while. In the mornings I’d lay there in bed, disappointed that the darkness was gone and now I’d have to look at things in the light, staring at the walls and ceiling for hours, having nothing to get out of bed for. Not wanting to get out of bed for anything, until I was so hungry I had to eat, or if there was a work deadline so pressing that I couldn’t put it off any longer.

TWO IMPOSSIBLE MINUTES
A pair of events made it so clear to me: one day I was sitting in a chair, looking at my handful of houseplants… wondering why I could not spend the two minutes it would take to water them. They needed watering, yet I couldn’t even fathom trying to water them today… or tomorrow, or this week. Would they die? Would I let them dry out and die, just because I somehow did not have the energy to water them? And what was that? I had energy to do other things, I could even go to the gym for a workout, go for a drive, meet a friend… but I couldn’t give whatever kind of energy I needed to give to nourish those plants. There was some kind of ‘block’ in me, something immobilizing me from doing that.

What was that invisible block? I’d even resent the plants’ ‘needing me’, their needing the tiny amount of watering and care that I just didn’t have in me to give. I literally said out loud, in anger, disgusted and sad at myself, and resentful of the plants, “Why can’t I get up out of this chair and water you!!???” But I couldn’t. Just sitting there, like a huge hand holding me down, not letting me stand up and walk to the sink and get water for them. I wondered what I would do if I had children, or a pet, and felt that way? And many who do have children or pets suffer that feeling, and pull away from their loved ones because of it, and feel awful about themselves for doing so and for feeling so helpless, powerless, weak. Immobilized by that emptiness, immobilized when something or someone really needs you, or even when they ‘interrupt your suffering’.

While I was watching the plants and feeling immobilized and crappy about myself for feeling that way… I had sudden energy to get up, ignore the plants, get dressed, take the elevator, walk out to my car, warm it up, drive downtown, and go to a restaurant for breakfast. That return trip took a couple hours; I could spend a couple hours doing a whole process that was a comfort to me — someone else was doing the work, making me a tasty breakfast, nice smells and views and sounds around me — but I literally could not break the heavy hand that was stopping me from spending only two minutes to give my energy outward to something — the plants — that needed my care.

How illuminating, to see both of those opposite events side-by-side. It was a powerful Aha moment that showed piercing insight about the dynamics of feeling empty.

Something needed nourishing inside me, and I could expend great energy in finding ways to make that happen; yet I was so empty of that nourishing that I could literally expend no energy in giving that nourishment outward, taking it from my empty self and expressing outward to anything or anyone around me.

This cycle of energies happens within all who are empty, depressed, bipolar, call it whatever you wish. At times you won’t be able to cope with any ‘giving’, you just curl up into your own aloneness even if you’re surrounded by people. You might feel an empty ‘just leave me to suffer alone’ feeling, like the wounded animal who prefers to lick its wounds alone in a cave. At times you might want others around to comfort you, put caring, loving energy into you. At times you might feel great anger, resentment at the things in your life that are pulling, pulling, pulling at your energy… kids, spouse, parents, job, pets, house, whatever, because they are pulling something from you that you don’t have within you to give, and you just want them to go away… or for them to wake up and see what pain and emptiness you are feeling, what further pain their ‘pulling at you’ is causing; you want help, understanding, space, you want to sort it all out, not to keep… expending something you don’t have in you to give.

And then at other times… you cycle into a state of mind and life where you can cope. You have closer to normal energy, there is movement in you, you can water the plants and smile at the kids and walk the dog and work your job okay. Or you even rise further than that and enter a hyper-energetic state, manic, where you over-perform, you’re super-energized and fast and strong. But in a way, that becomes even more unhealthy, living at either extreme of a polar pair of energy states; feeling empty swings your outlook and mood to one imbalanced extreme, feeling over-full swings your outlook to another imbalanced extreme, and vacillating back and forth between those two keeps you always off-balance, always not seeing things quite clearly, always teetering off-balance and off-health.

That’s just a small part of how emptiness, depression, feel. But where does it COME from?

SOMETHING HAS SHUT DOWN INSIDE YOU

(I will be writing more to this page soon, please be patient. For now, please read about Validation, Worthiness, Find Missing Pieces, and You Define You, which are all tied in with emptiness, depression)